For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
