well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
