My girlfriend figured out who you are.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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