ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.