last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
