Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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