Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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