I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
