You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
