my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
where are my eyebrows?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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