you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
