He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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