the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
