Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
