So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
