Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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