What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
