Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
