At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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