Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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