I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
We left an ass print on the piano.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
