Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
