It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
