I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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