my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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