I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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