using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
