The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
