the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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