Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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