I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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