Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
