If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Randomize
