I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
