somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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