U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize