We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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