just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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