Fuck appropriateness.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
