Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
