His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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