He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
