this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All I want is dick and wine.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
