No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
That's when you crack a 10am beer
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
This is classic penis vs brain.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.