i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My cat gives me a boner
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
