After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
