Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
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If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
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The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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