in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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