Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
