My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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