After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Randomize
