How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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