dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
